The Breaking Point

Don't hate yourself for being inadequate.

Don't hate yourself for being good enough.

Don't hate yourself for failing.

Don't hate yourself for succeeding.

Don't hate yourself for not being as good as that guy.

Don't hate yourself for being better than the rest.

Don't hate yourself for doing something you know is wrong.

Don't hate yourself for doing what you knew was right.

Don't hate yourself for being happy.

Don't hate yourself for being sad.

Don't hate yourself for crying.

Don't hate yourself for laughing.

Don't hate yourself for hurting others.

Don't hate yourself for hurting yourself.

Don't hate yourself for restricting.

Don't hate yourself for relenting.

Don't hate yourself for giving up.

Don't hate yourself for pushing on.

Don't hate yourself for falling.

Don't hate yourself for standing up.

Because you will be inadequate.

Because you will be good enough.

Because you will fail.

Because you will succeed.

Because you will not be as good as that guy.

Because you will be better than the rest.

Because you will do something you know is wrong.

Because you will do what you know is right.

Because you will be happy.

Because you will be sad.

Because you will cry.

Because you will laugh.

Because you will hurt others.

Because you will hurt yourself.

Because you will restrict.

Because you will relent.

Because you will give up.

Because you will push on.

Because you will fall.

Because you will stand up.

I am human and I mess up. I'm a perfectionist who hates doing things wrong. I need to be perfect. This means doing everything without trouble, being in control of who I am, knowing what I'm doing in life, looking good, eating well, being strong, being helpful, being a good friend, etc. I know I mess up. When I mess up I get depressed or annoyed with myself. But it's self-destructive. It hurts me.

I'm also good at a lot of things. And when I do things right, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to do it right. I've failed so many times before that I couldn't have possibly succeeded this time. But that's also self-destructive. Thinking like that, constantly tearing yourself down to make yourself better, hurts like crazy. 

There's a point you have to be broken to, and you reach that by your failures, by your imperfections, by letting people down. But realize that there is a point that you need to start being built back up again. There is a proverbial rock bottom where, at that point, you will break. You will shatter in to a thousand pieces. Don't constantly keep yourself hitting that point. Build yourself back up again. And get help. Because there is no way a building can build itself back up. And there is definitely no way something as complicated as a human with emotions and feelings can build back up alone.

"Ya did good, kid."

Psalm 43:5

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Ask First

You know what sucks? Being wrongly accused. And I don't just mean crimes you didn't commit, I mean the little things, too. The other day I followed someone's instructions to the T, but it turned out they told me the wrong thing, and I got blamed for it. It just makes you feel really undervalued and untrustworthy. I'm sorry that something bad happened to you, but please, direct the blame where it rightfully belongs.
I know what I'm supposed to do, and I know what I'm not supposed to do. For the most part, I do what I should and don't do what I shouldn't. I mean, I mess up sometimes, but what can I say - I'm human. Yeah, blaming me for the little screw ups that I didn't make is wrong, but I'll get over it pretty quick.
But don't stand there and tell me that I made a major mess. This is something that really irritates me. If you're going to accuse me, or anyone for that matter, about something, have solid evidence. Have a good argument. And for heaven's sake, come and ask me if I did it first! Don't start rumors, don't tell everyone I did some terrible thing I didn't do without telling me to my face. If I did it, I'm not going to lie.
That's what bothers me the most - when someone goes and spreads rumors without even trying all that hard to find the truth. Before I tell someone something concretely, I'm going to make sure it's true. I might say, "it could be" or "it might be" but I'm not going to say "it is" without knowing absolutely sure that it is.
Please, for the sake of the one who potentially wronged you, ask them first. Because one of the worst feelings in the world is having people talk behind your back, and even in front of your face, saying things that are completely untrue and being unable to do anything about it.

Go ask if it's true.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Decode ~ Paramore

How can I decide what's right? 
When you're clouding up my mind 
I can't win your losing fight all the time 
How can I ever own what's mine 
When you're always taking sides 
But you won't take away my pride 
No not this time 
Not this time 

How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well
How did we get here? 
Well I think I know 

The truth is hiding in your eyes 
And its hanging on your tongue 
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can't see 
What kind of man that you are 
If you're a man at all 
Well I will figure this one out 
On my own 
(I'm screaming "I love you so")
On my own 
(My thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well, yeah
How did we get here? 
Well I think I know 

Do you see what we've done? 
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves 
Do you see what we've done? 
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves 

Yeah...!

How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well, yeah yeah
How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well 

I think I know 
I think I know 

Ooh, there is something 
I see in you 
It might kill me 
I want it to be true

I'm stressed.

Do you ever feel like you have something you need to get off your chest, but you can't quite figure out what exactly is weighing you down so much? Today, I just want to write. I'm feeling inspired. I'm not feeling inspired about anything in particular, though. We'll see what comes out of this.

Lately I've been really stressed with school, ballet, life decisions, things like that. Unfortunately, all this is taking a toll on me. I've been irritable and somewhat depressed for the past week, and it's getting harder and harder to keep my frustration to myself and not lash out at other people. I don't want to be the person who just gets angry at the world because they're upset. It's not your friend's fault, why are you yelling at him? It's not your sister's fault, why are you hitting her? It's not your parents' fault, why are you disrespecting them? Keeping your emotions in check is one of the most important things you will ever learn.
When I was in late elementary and early middle school, I had the worst temper. I would scream and cry and kick everyday. Eventually I had to go on medication. This is something I would never wish on anyone. Having to take medication at age 12 is not something I look back on with fond memories. Those were some of the hardest times for me, which sounds really cliché, but I'm okay with it.
Nowadays if I had that temper, it would be absolutely unacceptable. I would have no friends. In fact, during that time, I had one friend. Keeping my temper in check, even when I'm fed up with calculus or the girl in my class who's talking my ear off, is something I need to do and will always need to do.

Love,
Sarah @)~