How did we get here?

The inspiration for the title of the blog (or new title, if you've read this before) is Paramore's song, "Decode." Yes, it's a theme song for Twilight. No, I don't like those movies. Yes, I have read all the books. If you want my opinion on them, just ask. I was listening to this song yesterday and realized that it really does relate to my current situation. "How did we get here? I used to know you so well." That's me. I used to know myself so well. I knew exactly what I would do and exactly how I would do it. Now it just seems like I'm playing everything by ear. I improvise, go day by day, take one thing at a time. It's more fun that way, as well as way less stress. Stress is just not my thing.
I remember during high school, especially junior and senior year I would break down a lot. About once every two months or so I'd have a day where I would just refuse to anything whatsoever. I wouldn't go anywhere, I wouldn't do anything. I'd lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling. I simply couldn't go on. However, that's hardly an option now. I have to go to class; I learn so much in each class that I just can't afford to miss one. I have to go to ballet; I'm Clara and have the obligation to be the absolute best I can be. I have responsibilities like money, food, and clothes. I have to make sure I eat everyday, which is difficult for me because I'm thrifty. If I can skimp on a meal and save a few bucks, I will, regardless of what it does to my body. I've actually lost probably five pounds since I started school, but I'm not sure if that's from walking a lot, or eating healthier, or just eating less. Probably a combination of the three. Either way, I'm learning to take care of myself. I have to set up appointments by myself!! I really dislike talking to adults, especially teachers, and plenty of people will attest to my shyness when it comes to responsible-type things. When it comes to dealing with conflicts among peers, I'm pretty good at that. I can handle my friends' problems and help them work out things between themselves. However, give me a phone and tell me to order a pizza and I will give you the dirtiest look and any excuse I can think of. Maybe it's my fear of failure, but that's a long story that I may or may not elaborate on.
My roommate just turned eighteen, and one of her friend's gave her a picture frame with a quote in it. It says, "Slow down, calm down, don't worry, don't hurry, trust the process." Taking things one step at a time is important. Take this Japanese class for example: it's ten credits, about 14 hours of class/conversation a week and at least the same about of homework. It's a big deal. If I look at the whole thing I think, "Holy crap, I'm never going to make it through this. I'm going to fail this class." But if I take it one assignment at a time, I can do it. Yeah, no problem, I can do a page of workbook today. I can write a paragraph today. Take on the vocabulary slowly and steadily and, psh, this is baby stuff. But, good heavens, it's a lot of work.
Take things a step at a time. Take time to breathe. Take time to relax. Take time to have fun! All work and no play makes for very grumpy people.

Love,
Sarah @)~

I need this outlet.

There are going to be a lot of words in this post. I'm sorry in advance. Hopefully you won't regret it if you read the whole thing.

Summer is a blur. When did I stop writing this? The end of April? … Oh, that's probably why. You don't know why. I'll tell you why, in a little bit.

It's almost October. I've been at school for almost a month now and it's the most fun I've ever had. Nothing holding me down. I'm free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and with whomever I want. I still study and I'm still a good student, but I want to have fun. I don't want a curfew. I don't want seven consecutive phone calls with the person on the the other side yelling at me to come home. I don't want text messages at two in the morning wondering if I'm okay when all I've been doing is hanging out with some friends at Denny's. I don't want people driving all over the planet to find me. I'm an adult now, it's time I start learning to be one.

Life has been up and down since I left. I'll tell you why I left, now. I don't remember the exact date, but it was around the time I stopped posting on here that I broke off a relationship that had previously lasted a year and a half. My life was almost devoted to this guy. I was hurting other people outside of the relationship by the exclusivity of it. His entire family got involved and it got pretty messy. In the end, we're both out of an emotionally battering relationship and we're both better off. Since then I've gotten my legs back and now I'm fairly healthy regarding matters of the heart. I don't know if I'm ready for another relationship, but I think I am. I could be totally wrong, but for now, that's how I'm feeling.

The friends I've met here are really great. My roommate is possibly the best roommate I could've asked for. I love her, we all do, she's really smart and extremely nice. There's the guys next door and we usually just invade each other's rooms as we please, it's pretty great. There are a few people who come down to chill with us. I guess people like us. There's the guys, for lack of a better name. They were the first people I met at school. Well, one of them, but there are four in the room. They're awesome, too. There's a girl up there, too, who's really chill. Then there are a few more people who I've met at lunch or in class. Classes are going well; they're difficult but not unbearable. All in all, school is pretty great so far.

As for dancing, I'm still doing it, still loving it. I feel like dying whenever there's no ballet. I'm going through some serious show withdrawal right now. I broke down and started sobbing in class today. Oh boy, rehearsals can't start soon enough. Also, did I mention? I'm Clara in the Nutcracker. If you're unfamiliar with the Nutcracker, she's the main character; she's the little girl who gets the Nutcracker and goes on a magical journey, etc. Unfortunately, this knee injury has been catching up with me pretty bad since I'm walking at least a mile every day, if not three. Not helpful. Rehearsals start October tenth, though, so I'm looking forward to that.

Inwardly, my mind is a mess. Today I was thinking about how pretentious I used to be. I try not to come off as a stuck-up prick, but it doesn't work as well as I'd like it to sometimes. I'm mean. I'm rude. I'm selfish. I acknowledge it. I want this mask of "I know better than you, so shut up and listen to me" gone. I don't want the world to be about me. I want to think of others first. I'm going to need some time to work on that. 

Love,

Sarah @)~