The Breaking Point

Don't hate yourself for being inadequate.

Don't hate yourself for being good enough.

Don't hate yourself for failing.

Don't hate yourself for succeeding.

Don't hate yourself for not being as good as that guy.

Don't hate yourself for being better than the rest.

Don't hate yourself for doing something you know is wrong.

Don't hate yourself for doing what you knew was right.

Don't hate yourself for being happy.

Don't hate yourself for being sad.

Don't hate yourself for crying.

Don't hate yourself for laughing.

Don't hate yourself for hurting others.

Don't hate yourself for hurting yourself.

Don't hate yourself for restricting.

Don't hate yourself for relenting.

Don't hate yourself for giving up.

Don't hate yourself for pushing on.

Don't hate yourself for falling.

Don't hate yourself for standing up.

Because you will be inadequate.

Because you will be good enough.

Because you will fail.

Because you will succeed.

Because you will not be as good as that guy.

Because you will be better than the rest.

Because you will do something you know is wrong.

Because you will do what you know is right.

Because you will be happy.

Because you will be sad.

Because you will cry.

Because you will laugh.

Because you will hurt others.

Because you will hurt yourself.

Because you will restrict.

Because you will relent.

Because you will give up.

Because you will push on.

Because you will fall.

Because you will stand up.

I am human and I mess up. I'm a perfectionist who hates doing things wrong. I need to be perfect. This means doing everything without trouble, being in control of who I am, knowing what I'm doing in life, looking good, eating well, being strong, being helpful, being a good friend, etc. I know I mess up. When I mess up I get depressed or annoyed with myself. But it's self-destructive. It hurts me.

I'm also good at a lot of things. And when I do things right, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to do it right. I've failed so many times before that I couldn't have possibly succeeded this time. But that's also self-destructive. Thinking like that, constantly tearing yourself down to make yourself better, hurts like crazy. 

There's a point you have to be broken to, and you reach that by your failures, by your imperfections, by letting people down. But realize that there is a point that you need to start being built back up again. There is a proverbial rock bottom where, at that point, you will break. You will shatter in to a thousand pieces. Don't constantly keep yourself hitting that point. Build yourself back up again. And get help. Because there is no way a building can build itself back up. And there is definitely no way something as complicated as a human with emotions and feelings can build back up alone.

"Ya did good, kid."

Psalm 43:5

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Ask First

You know what sucks? Being wrongly accused. And I don't just mean crimes you didn't commit, I mean the little things, too. The other day I followed someone's instructions to the T, but it turned out they told me the wrong thing, and I got blamed for it. It just makes you feel really undervalued and untrustworthy. I'm sorry that something bad happened to you, but please, direct the blame where it rightfully belongs.
I know what I'm supposed to do, and I know what I'm not supposed to do. For the most part, I do what I should and don't do what I shouldn't. I mean, I mess up sometimes, but what can I say - I'm human. Yeah, blaming me for the little screw ups that I didn't make is wrong, but I'll get over it pretty quick.
But don't stand there and tell me that I made a major mess. This is something that really irritates me. If you're going to accuse me, or anyone for that matter, about something, have solid evidence. Have a good argument. And for heaven's sake, come and ask me if I did it first! Don't start rumors, don't tell everyone I did some terrible thing I didn't do without telling me to my face. If I did it, I'm not going to lie.
That's what bothers me the most - when someone goes and spreads rumors without even trying all that hard to find the truth. Before I tell someone something concretely, I'm going to make sure it's true. I might say, "it could be" or "it might be" but I'm not going to say "it is" without knowing absolutely sure that it is.
Please, for the sake of the one who potentially wronged you, ask them first. Because one of the worst feelings in the world is having people talk behind your back, and even in front of your face, saying things that are completely untrue and being unable to do anything about it.

Go ask if it's true.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Decode ~ Paramore

How can I decide what's right? 
When you're clouding up my mind 
I can't win your losing fight all the time 
How can I ever own what's mine 
When you're always taking sides 
But you won't take away my pride 
No not this time 
Not this time 

How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well
How did we get here? 
Well I think I know 

The truth is hiding in your eyes 
And its hanging on your tongue 
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can't see 
What kind of man that you are 
If you're a man at all 
Well I will figure this one out 
On my own 
(I'm screaming "I love you so")
On my own 
(My thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well, yeah
How did we get here? 
Well I think I know 

Do you see what we've done? 
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves 
Do you see what we've done? 
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves 

Yeah...!

How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well, yeah yeah
How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well 

I think I know 
I think I know 

Ooh, there is something 
I see in you 
It might kill me 
I want it to be true

I'm stressed.

Do you ever feel like you have something you need to get off your chest, but you can't quite figure out what exactly is weighing you down so much? Today, I just want to write. I'm feeling inspired. I'm not feeling inspired about anything in particular, though. We'll see what comes out of this.

Lately I've been really stressed with school, ballet, life decisions, things like that. Unfortunately, all this is taking a toll on me. I've been irritable and somewhat depressed for the past week, and it's getting harder and harder to keep my frustration to myself and not lash out at other people. I don't want to be the person who just gets angry at the world because they're upset. It's not your friend's fault, why are you yelling at him? It's not your sister's fault, why are you hitting her? It's not your parents' fault, why are you disrespecting them? Keeping your emotions in check is one of the most important things you will ever learn.
When I was in late elementary and early middle school, I had the worst temper. I would scream and cry and kick everyday. Eventually I had to go on medication. This is something I would never wish on anyone. Having to take medication at age 12 is not something I look back on with fond memories. Those were some of the hardest times for me, which sounds really cliché, but I'm okay with it.
Nowadays if I had that temper, it would be absolutely unacceptable. I would have no friends. In fact, during that time, I had one friend. Keeping my temper in check, even when I'm fed up with calculus or the girl in my class who's talking my ear off, is something I need to do and will always need to do.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Here's a turn of events

I really haven't been able to write anything worthy of being read lately. Here's something that might be a little hard to follow.

First semester of college is mostly a success. Performed as Clara in the Nutcracker, kept my 4.0, made lots of friends, and started dating an amazing guy. All in all, a good semester. There were definitely terrible moments, amazing moments, drama moments, perfect moments, and just plain weird moments. It was so much fun, though, and there's not much I would trade for all the people I've met here.
Scratch that, there's nothing I would trade for them. I love these people so much.
I've also learned a lot this semester. First of all, keep your mouth shut. Learn when it's appropriate to talk, and if it's not, shut up. This is a good life rule. Second, opinions are important. Don't keep them to yourself. Third, just go for it. Seriously.

Right now I have an awfully stuffy nose, and it's really no fun travelling with it.

"I know who I want to take me home. Take me home."

Love,
Sarah @)~

Snow

I'm am definitely not the biggest fan of snow. It's cold and wet and when it's snowing, it's cloudy and windy.

~~~

Life's a blur. Like the snow. Life is cold and wet and a lot of the time leaves you feeling like there's no hope. But life is beautiful. Sounds cheesy, I know.
I look around and I find that it's really hard to focus just on one thing. Everything swirls around and I just need to go with it. Or go against it. I don't know about you, but I hate going against the wind in a flurry. The snow never stops moving until it sticks to the ground or a window or something. And until then, you can't really see what the individual snowflakes look like. But then look at a window when it's snowing and you can see the individual flakes pause on glass, suspended in space for a moment, and they're beautiful.

~~~

Something big is about to happen.

Love,
Sarah @)~

I'm all out of words

...
I'll write something when I regain a sense of balance in my life.

Writing Down the Bones

Writing Down the Bones is a book by Natalie Goldberg. I highly recommend it, especially if you want to start writing. It's all about letting go and just writing. No thinking, no processing, no analyzing, just writing. I'm not very good at that, since I'm pretty self-conscious, but I suppose practice makes perfect.

Self-consciousness: undue awareness of oneself.
Undue: unwarranted or inappropriate because excessive or disproportionate
There should always be some self-awareness. Without that, the path to offense and/or embarrassment is wide open. When does it become self-conscious, though? When does it become obsessive and inappropriate? Looking presentable and nice in order to make a good impression is important, but when does dressing appropriately and taking good hygienic care of oneself become vanity?
I consider myself a fairly self-conscious person. I think of what others will think of me and the people around me. Often I find myself wonder "If...then..." and have to remind myself not to over-analyze. It's hard sometimes. I try so hard to be accepted by people. Maybe I shouldn't care so much.

Question - why do dictionary definitions always contain words longer than the word being defined?

Love,
Sarah @)~

Courtesy is key

Sometimes people hold on to bad memories for days, sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months, sometimes even for years. But however long you hold on to your bad memory for, why would you make others suffer for it? Yes, someone may have hurt you, but is it so difficult to be courteous and professional when interacting necessarily with them? I understand that you won't walk up to them and ask how their life is going. I know you won't call them up and say, "Hey, just wanted to chat." But is it too difficult to look someone in the eye and at least fake a smile? Is it too much to ask for a simple, "Hello, how are you today?"
Eye contact is polite and should be obligatory. Saying, "D'ya need something?" without so much as a look is not very nice. I'm pretty sure that if you walked up to any average Joe on the street and asked them if they liked people looking at them when they were talking, they'd say that it's at least appreciated.

Faking a smile isn't too hard.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Where did my head go?

I have a tendency to lose my head over little things. Over-thinking is a fault of mine, a huge fault. It makes me go crazy. Sometimes just relaxing and having a day off works miracles. Or sometimes if I talk to someone who does have their head in the right place it'll pull my out of the clouds and put my back on my feet. 

So thanks for putting me back into place. I really appreciate it.

I guess I'll be thinking about this for a while, though. I'll try not to over think this time.

Love,

Sarah @)~

Those days

Ever have those days where all you want to do is curl up in bed under an extremely fluffy comforter and do absolutely nothing? Of course you do. I have those fairly often. Sometimes I just feel like being productive is extremely overrated. However, after I do something, I always feel better about myself; I feel motivated to do other stuff.
But sometimes, you need those days. Sometimes you need a day to do nothing after a big freak out. Post-finals is a pretty good time to do this. I have one exam next week. The grade for the entire class depends on how I do. Yay. After that, we'll have a party. A sleeping party. Well, maybe that'll happen this weekend. Heck yeah, fall break!!
…This post started off fairly well written. The quality has deteriorated significantly. Yeah. I don't care.

I just made pizza. Now I want to sleep. But no, Japanese homework it is.

Love,
Sarah @)~

It's a little sad

I have no confidence. I tell myself to do something. I tell myself I can do something. But then…I don't do it. At the very last second I tell myself I can't do it, so I don't.

Go for the gold. Don't take no for an answer. If you know you can't do it, tell yourself you can. That last push is all it takes to get past the last hurdle.

Love,
Sarah @)~

What's this 'patience' thing?

If you know something is stupid and unwise, you probably shouldn't do it. Right? But for some reason, there's this strong appeal for doing stupid, unwise things. Procrastinating, for example. Stupidest idea ever, yet we do it so much. Maybe it's the instant gratification mindset that our entire population is so infatuated with. We want it now. It makes us feel good now. We may or may not know the consequences, yet we still want it now. We'll settle for less if it gets to us any quicker. Patience and peace are so lost in this world. Waiting is extremely underrated and is associated with anxiety. Calm down, it'll happen. Maybe not now, maybe not this second, but it'll happen.

This week has been too long. It's been pretty taxing on me energy-wise, as well. I'm really looking forward to the weekend. I recently learned how to make Funfetti cookies!! That's definitely going to happen Saturday. Well, if I get to the store.

Love,
Sarah @)~

I feel like a feather sometimes

Little things can push me over the edge.
I guess that's how this works.
The smallest hint,
I'm over the moon.
I want it so badly.
I have to be patient,
Wait for the right time.
Decisions, decisions.
Time's wasting away, my dear.
I'm sorry,
I love you.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Scattered Thoughts

Natalia Osipova - Juliet

Natalia Osipova is probably my favorite ballerina. So sweet, so cute, and so strong, so gorgeous.

Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you I love ballet. It comes with a lot of responsibility though. Going to classes daily is tiring, plus rehearsal and teaching on top of that. Daily muscle soreness, injuries, the constant desire to be underweight, exhaustion, all these come with the tiring, difficult work that is dance.

That doesn't stop me from loving dance. The feeling I get when something goes well or when I do a particularly emotional piece or combination. The feeling I get when I hear the curtain open or the audience applauding at the curtain's close. I love class, I love rehearsal, I love feeling strong, I love feeling adept. I love dance.

Hard work has a turn out.

~~~

I have to teach my little sister's ballet class tomorrow. Oh joy.

~~~

A glimmer is a flutter.
A glance is a pain.
A thought is a scream.
I'm sorry.

~~~

The weekend can't come soon enough. Let's get to conquering this week. 

Love,
Sarah @)~

Japanese is officially taking over my life.

金曜日にクラスにいきました。それから、へやにかえりました。日本ごをべんきょうしました。土曜日にfootball gameにいきました。Jimmy John'sでひるごはんをたべました。三時半ごろへやにかえりました。それから、べんきょうしました。ごご十一時ごろともだちのへやにいきました。ともだちと７１１にいきました。ミルクとslurpeesをかいました。それから、ともだちのへやにかえりました。三時間ぐらいはなしました。それから、へやにかえりました。日曜日にきょうかいにいきました。それから、うちにかえりました。七時ごろへやにかえりました。


Check that out. That's what I did this weekend…in Japanese. Roughly, it translates to, "On Friday, I had class. Then, I went back to my room. I studied Japanese. On Saturday, I went to the football game (though I don't know how to say that in Japanese). I ate lunch at Jimmy John's. Then, I went back to my room. At about 11pm, I went to my friends room. We went to 7/11. We bought milk and slurpees. We went back to her room. We talked for about three hours. Then I went back to my room. On Sunday, I went to church. Then I went home. At about 7, I went back to my room." I'm not actually sure if it's all correct; I need to turn in the handwritten one tomorrow to get it checked. I'm really liking Japanese, though. It moves crazy fast, though… I love writing it by hand, though. It's so beautiful. Somehow, the tying just takes some of the beauty away from it. Also, it took me about 40 minutes to type that.

The other classes I'm in are GeoSci: Dinosaurs and Other Failures, and Psych: The Evolution of Conciousness and Cognition. GeoSci is what it sounds like, a class about dinosaurs. It's pretty awesome, not gonna lie. The Psych seminar is really interesting. We've been focusing on meditation lately, and our only homework is to meditate for fifteen minutes everyday and document what happens each time. It's really nice and relaxing. Although, sometimes I'll get really distracted with other things and just kind of trail off; then it's frustrating.

I get distracted fairly easily. I'm not quite ADHD level; I can hold my attention if I need to. However, if I'm doing nothing particularly mind-engaging I'll just think about things, circumstances, situations, things that could happen in the future. One of my favorite pastimes is to play out scenes in my head that could potentially happen, but in all reality I know probably never will. It might not be the healthiest activity, as I could get my hopes up way too high and then have them all crash and burn, but I've learned how to control how extreme these daydreams get. I can sprinkle a sense of rationality into them so they're not completely unbelievable. When I was younger, I would do the same thing, though then I didn't have the common sense to know that most of my "scenarios" would never play out in real life. Every now and then I allow my mind to wander to some sort of Wonderland full of incredibly improbable situations, but too much and I'll just get depressed.

Distraction is my pastime.

Love,
Sarah @)~

He love me… He loves me not...

Remember the flower petal game you played when you had a crush in elementary school or middle school (or high school… or college……)? I would always cheat; if I ran out of petals when it ended on a 'he loves me not,' I'd just say, "Oh! The leaves count for something! The stem counts for something!" And I'd force to say what I wanted it to.

You can't really force people to say what you want them to. You can't really force anything. People will have their own opinions of issues, of people, of you. You can't change what they think. You can't change how they feel. You can sometimes influence people into a certain way of thinking, but deep down, you can't change anything. They have to change it themselves. Sometimes it's a conscious decision, sometimes not.

Flowers can't actually think for themselves.

Love,
Sarah @)~

What have I been thinking about?

What should I write about? I'm in a writey sort of mood, but I don't really have any concrete ideas. I suppose this will just be a word vomit entry. I hate that word…vomit. It's a disgusting word. Though that probably has something to do with my nausea-phobia.

What have I been thinking about lately? Dance, of course, that's always on my mind. I dance if there's open space. I dance if there's an even floor. So perhaps dance isn't always on my mind, but always in my body. It's not a particularly conscious thought; I don't think, "Oh, what a lovely open space, shall I dance?" I just see a space and turn. I hear music and sometimes don't realize my leg is moving or I'm tapping my fingers. It's a subconscious decision to move. Is that what a passion should be? It's simply something I do. Dance is breathing for me.

What else? Friendships. I have lots of friends at school, now. I have my different groups with whom I do different activities. Each group has it's peculiar oddities, things I love about them, things that are just weird. It's kind of strange not having a particular person that I'm around all the time, since most of high school was like that for me. I also have a lot more diverse friend groups now. In high school I was always with the same people all the time. Other than that, I was kind of a loner. It wasn't a looking-for-pity thing; I just didn't have all that many friends. I'm sure being in the whole homeschooling environment had something to do with it. I wasn't immersed in a diverse pool of hundreds of people every day. I'm quite thankful for that, actually. It's just a big transition going from that to college.

Guys, as well, are usually on my mind. What does that say about me, I wonder… I guess it makes sense that I miss that kind of attention. Both junior and senior year I was involved with someone. Again, it's a transition. Something I'm very used to changing completely. In some ways, it's really great. At the same time, though, I miss the special attention I got. Maybe I'm just selfish. Scratch that, I'm selfish. Time again to learn how to pay attention to other people. This really is going to take a while.

These are usually on my mind in some form or another. Unfortunately a lot of the time I become distracted by them. We're supposed to be meditating for Psych everyday, but a lot of the time I find my mind wandering to a dance or a particular person or situation. Even when I'm doing homework, I catch myself rabbit trailing into random thought. I can modify these thoughts to useful purposes, too, though. For example, I usually have a really hard time falling asleep, but if I focus on some choreography or someone who relaxes me, then I can fall asleep fairly easily, regardless of light or noises in the room.

The moral of the story? Well for me: Distractions can be good sometimes and I need to be less selfish.

Love,
Sarah @)~

How did we get here?

The inspiration for the title of the blog (or new title, if you've read this before) is Paramore's song, "Decode." Yes, it's a theme song for Twilight. No, I don't like those movies. Yes, I have read all the books. If you want my opinion on them, just ask. I was listening to this song yesterday and realized that it really does relate to my current situation. "How did we get here? I used to know you so well." That's me. I used to know myself so well. I knew exactly what I would do and exactly how I would do it. Now it just seems like I'm playing everything by ear. I improvise, go day by day, take one thing at a time. It's more fun that way, as well as way less stress. Stress is just not my thing.
I remember during high school, especially junior and senior year I would break down a lot. About once every two months or so I'd have a day where I would just refuse to anything whatsoever. I wouldn't go anywhere, I wouldn't do anything. I'd lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling. I simply couldn't go on. However, that's hardly an option now. I have to go to class; I learn so much in each class that I just can't afford to miss one. I have to go to ballet; I'm Clara and have the obligation to be the absolute best I can be. I have responsibilities like money, food, and clothes. I have to make sure I eat everyday, which is difficult for me because I'm thrifty. If I can skimp on a meal and save a few bucks, I will, regardless of what it does to my body. I've actually lost probably five pounds since I started school, but I'm not sure if that's from walking a lot, or eating healthier, or just eating less. Probably a combination of the three. Either way, I'm learning to take care of myself. I have to set up appointments by myself!! I really dislike talking to adults, especially teachers, and plenty of people will attest to my shyness when it comes to responsible-type things. When it comes to dealing with conflicts among peers, I'm pretty good at that. I can handle my friends' problems and help them work out things between themselves. However, give me a phone and tell me to order a pizza and I will give you the dirtiest look and any excuse I can think of. Maybe it's my fear of failure, but that's a long story that I may or may not elaborate on.
My roommate just turned eighteen, and one of her friend's gave her a picture frame with a quote in it. It says, "Slow down, calm down, don't worry, don't hurry, trust the process." Taking things one step at a time is important. Take this Japanese class for example: it's ten credits, about 14 hours of class/conversation a week and at least the same about of homework. It's a big deal. If I look at the whole thing I think, "Holy crap, I'm never going to make it through this. I'm going to fail this class." But if I take it one assignment at a time, I can do it. Yeah, no problem, I can do a page of workbook today. I can write a paragraph today. Take on the vocabulary slowly and steadily and, psh, this is baby stuff. But, good heavens, it's a lot of work.
Take things a step at a time. Take time to breathe. Take time to relax. Take time to have fun! All work and no play makes for very grumpy people.

Love,
Sarah @)~

I need this outlet.

There are going to be a lot of words in this post. I'm sorry in advance. Hopefully you won't regret it if you read the whole thing.

Summer is a blur. When did I stop writing this? The end of April? … Oh, that's probably why. You don't know why. I'll tell you why, in a little bit.

It's almost October. I've been at school for almost a month now and it's the most fun I've ever had. Nothing holding me down. I'm free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and with whomever I want. I still study and I'm still a good student, but I want to have fun. I don't want a curfew. I don't want seven consecutive phone calls with the person on the the other side yelling at me to come home. I don't want text messages at two in the morning wondering if I'm okay when all I've been doing is hanging out with some friends at Denny's. I don't want people driving all over the planet to find me. I'm an adult now, it's time I start learning to be one.

Life has been up and down since I left. I'll tell you why I left, now. I don't remember the exact date, but it was around the time I stopped posting on here that I broke off a relationship that had previously lasted a year and a half. My life was almost devoted to this guy. I was hurting other people outside of the relationship by the exclusivity of it. His entire family got involved and it got pretty messy. In the end, we're both out of an emotionally battering relationship and we're both better off. Since then I've gotten my legs back and now I'm fairly healthy regarding matters of the heart. I don't know if I'm ready for another relationship, but I think I am. I could be totally wrong, but for now, that's how I'm feeling.

The friends I've met here are really great. My roommate is possibly the best roommate I could've asked for. I love her, we all do, she's really smart and extremely nice. There's the guys next door and we usually just invade each other's rooms as we please, it's pretty great. There are a few people who come down to chill with us. I guess people like us. There's the guys, for lack of a better name. They were the first people I met at school. Well, one of them, but there are four in the room. They're awesome, too. There's a girl up there, too, who's really chill. Then there are a few more people who I've met at lunch or in class. Classes are going well; they're difficult but not unbearable. All in all, school is pretty great so far.

As for dancing, I'm still doing it, still loving it. I feel like dying whenever there's no ballet. I'm going through some serious show withdrawal right now. I broke down and started sobbing in class today. Oh boy, rehearsals can't start soon enough. Also, did I mention? I'm Clara in the Nutcracker. If you're unfamiliar with the Nutcracker, she's the main character; she's the little girl who gets the Nutcracker and goes on a magical journey, etc. Unfortunately, this knee injury has been catching up with me pretty bad since I'm walking at least a mile every day, if not three. Not helpful. Rehearsals start October tenth, though, so I'm looking forward to that.

Inwardly, my mind is a mess. Today I was thinking about how pretentious I used to be. I try not to come off as a stuck-up prick, but it doesn't work as well as I'd like it to sometimes. I'm mean. I'm rude. I'm selfish. I acknowledge it. I want this mask of "I know better than you, so shut up and listen to me" gone. I don't want the world to be about me. I want to think of others first. I'm going to need some time to work on that. 

Love,

Sarah @)~