How did we get here?

The inspiration for the title of the blog (or new title, if you've read this before) is Paramore's song, "Decode." Yes, it's a theme song for Twilight. No, I don't like those movies. Yes, I have read all the books. If you want my opinion on them, just ask. I was listening to this song yesterday and realized that it really does relate to my current situation. "How did we get here? I used to know you so well." That's me. I used to know myself so well. I knew exactly what I would do and exactly how I would do it. Now it just seems like I'm playing everything by ear. I improvise, go day by day, take one thing at a time. It's more fun that way, as well as way less stress. Stress is just not my thing.
I remember during high school, especially junior and senior year I would break down a lot. About once every two months or so I'd have a day where I would just refuse to anything whatsoever. I wouldn't go anywhere, I wouldn't do anything. I'd lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling. I simply couldn't go on. However, that's hardly an option now. I have to go to class; I learn so much in each class that I just can't afford to miss one. I have to go to ballet; I'm Clara and have the obligation to be the absolute best I can be. I have responsibilities like money, food, and clothes. I have to make sure I eat everyday, which is difficult for me because I'm thrifty. If I can skimp on a meal and save a few bucks, I will, regardless of what it does to my body. I've actually lost probably five pounds since I started school, but I'm not sure if that's from walking a lot, or eating healthier, or just eating less. Probably a combination of the three. Either way, I'm learning to take care of myself. I have to set up appointments by myself!! I really dislike talking to adults, especially teachers, and plenty of people will attest to my shyness when it comes to responsible-type things. When it comes to dealing with conflicts among peers, I'm pretty good at that. I can handle my friends' problems and help them work out things between themselves. However, give me a phone and tell me to order a pizza and I will give you the dirtiest look and any excuse I can think of. Maybe it's my fear of failure, but that's a long story that I may or may not elaborate on.
My roommate just turned eighteen, and one of her friend's gave her a picture frame with a quote in it. It says, "Slow down, calm down, don't worry, don't hurry, trust the process." Taking things one step at a time is important. Take this Japanese class for example: it's ten credits, about 14 hours of class/conversation a week and at least the same about of homework. It's a big deal. If I look at the whole thing I think, "Holy crap, I'm never going to make it through this. I'm going to fail this class." But if I take it one assignment at a time, I can do it. Yeah, no problem, I can do a page of workbook today. I can write a paragraph today. Take on the vocabulary slowly and steadily and, psh, this is baby stuff. But, good heavens, it's a lot of work.
Take things a step at a time. Take time to breathe. Take time to relax. Take time to have fun! All work and no play makes for very grumpy people.

Love,
Sarah @)~

And this is what it all comes down to...

I really don't know what to say at this point.
I think I'm still in shock.
I'm not sure it this will really ever sink in.
These next two months will probably just go by like a dream.
At least, I hope they do.
We'll see.

Hey little girl with the pressures of the world on your shoulders, don't say that it's over. I heard your prayers, just cast your cares and I'll be there, so don't you fear.
~Irene by TobyMac

Love,
Sarah @)~