Pretend it's all okay.
Pretend it won't hurt us.
Pretend we're perfectly fine.
We'll have fun at this masquerade.
We'll dance and laugh.
We'll talk and joke.
Nothing can hurt us behind our masks.
Nothing can touch us now.
Hide our true colors.
Hide what's behind.
---
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose you. If I lose you, I won't be myself anymore. I'll sometimes wear the mask. People won't be able to see the true me then. The real me. The me I want people to know. The me that loves. The me that hates. The me that feels emotion. My mask covers emotion. My mask covers love. My mask covers hate. My mask can't hide the real me from myself. The me that's in pain. The me that's suffering. My mask covers my whole self, and unless you really know where to look, you'll lose me. You'll lose the real me. I don't want to hide behind my mask.
Will someone unmask me? Shame comes with unmasking, but I don't care. I don't want to play this game anymore. I just want to be able to love. I just want to be able to feel joy. The mask hinders emotions. The mask saturates me in insensitivity. Shame will go away. Shame is a tiny, tiny demon. Demons are easily beaten down and destroyed.
Please... steal my mask away. Reveal my true self. I can't do it alone, because I've lost the border between the mask and my face. I can't see it. Find the border. Tear off the mask. Without it I will be able to love you.
But you have a mask. Will you let me take it off? Will you allow me to see the true you? The you that loves with unhindered love? The you that feels joy without boundaries? The real you? The you I want to love?
---
"I’m not afraid, I’m not ashamed, I’m not to blame,
Welcome to the masquerade.
I’m not ashamed, I’m not afraid, I’m not okay,
Welcome to the masquerade"
~ Thousand Foot Krutch
---
Hey guys,
Well, I'm not happy right now. One of my best friends has decided that he is going to be the hero and go off and prepare himself for I-don't-know-what alone. Well, alone with Jesus. I mean, I guess that's cool. But it kind of makes me sad. I mean, I worked really hard to keep him in our circle of friends. Hm... failed at that, I guess. I don't know what to do now. I mean, I really want to chase after him and tell him that we need him back.... but I also think maybe it's better just to let him go. I mean, he said he'd come back... eventually...
Well, let's compare. Maybe that'll help us think. And I mean me when I say us, I'm just making myself plural.
Reasons for him to stay:
~He's going to college next year. He should stay for this last semester.
~I'll miss him. Of course, this is a selfish reason... but whatever.
~I don't think leaving would be good for him... for many reasons.
Reasons for him to leave:
~It'd be a whole lot less stressful for all of us involved with him.
~We all need time to cool off and chill out.
~ ... I can't think of another reason.
I just want him back. He's my big brother. Well, not blood, but he's like my big brother. Losing friends is painful. I've already learned this first hand. I don't want to go through it again. I know I'm sounding awfully selfish... But I don't want him to go through that, either. If he does this, he's going to lose so many people.
And if you see this, Nii-chan... I miss you. I don't want you to go. I'm sorry...
---
Sorry for the depressing post, y'all.
Alright, well, I'm in the midst of Nutcracker right now!! Aaaaah!!!!! Today was opening night. Well... REAL opening night. We had a school show yesterday, but that doesn't really count.
It went quite well. One spill... Sugar Plum Faerie slipped.... oops.
Makeup is STILL on my face after a shower, 3 kinds of makeup remover/face cleanser.... gaaaaah.....
Anyways, it's really late, and we have two shows tomorrow!! Plus Disco! Aaah! I'm so excited!! I'll see if I can get any pictures.... But I'd need to steal the camera from my sister. Hm....
Oh, and Merry Christmas! Six more days! ......... wait, WHAT?!? SIX MORE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS?!??? ............... AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *minor freak out* ... ahem. Wow, I can't believe it.... Nutcracker really has taken over my life! Gah! >_<
Love, Sarah
@)~
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Yeah, it's really late.
I can't sleep. There's way too much on my mind.
I also had root beer about 3 hours ago, so that doesn't help.
Anyways, I just need to let my brain relax. Just let a bunch of junk out.
I apologize if the spelling/grammar in this post is atrocious, but I don't type well late at night.
Anyways, my mind is kind of all over the place.
Some of my closest friends and I are caught in this nasty fight. Well, not exactly a fight... but this ain't goin' so hot. I don't know what's wrong, but something is messing with us. It's not cool.
On top of that, Nutcracker tech starts tomorrow. I still need to work on fixing a tutu, sewing a pair of pointe shoes, getting a new leotard, finding blush, finding gel, the list goes on and on.
In addition to THAT, Christmas is soon, and I don't have gifts for any of my friends. I don't have time. Nutcracker ends on the 20th... so that gives me five days for family. I have no idea what to get anybody.
And I'm sick. For the second time this month.
I'm sorry for whining. I'm just kind of really sick of stress. I thought it would leave after school..... but no. It lied. Dang it...
Well, I thought I made a post yesterday, the 14th, but I guess I was wrong. Hm...
My days have been a squashed together. I'll be pretty glad once Nutcracker is over and I can just rest from everything.
Alright, there's a yawn. I should probably go to sleep, considering it's... wow... really early.
I feel bad leaving you with a post that's all bad things.......
So..... good things? Good things good things. I've been having really random happy moments today. I also found purple eyeliner. Rawr means I love you in dinosaur. I'm really random right now! Yes! No! Nay! Horses eat hay! Oi vey... ha, that rhymed and I didn't even mean it to.
Love, Sarah
@)~
I also had root beer about 3 hours ago, so that doesn't help.
Anyways, I just need to let my brain relax. Just let a bunch of junk out.
I apologize if the spelling/grammar in this post is atrocious, but I don't type well late at night.
Anyways, my mind is kind of all over the place.
Some of my closest friends and I are caught in this nasty fight. Well, not exactly a fight... but this ain't goin' so hot. I don't know what's wrong, but something is messing with us. It's not cool.
On top of that, Nutcracker tech starts tomorrow. I still need to work on fixing a tutu, sewing a pair of pointe shoes, getting a new leotard, finding blush, finding gel, the list goes on and on.
In addition to THAT, Christmas is soon, and I don't have gifts for any of my friends. I don't have time. Nutcracker ends on the 20th... so that gives me five days for family. I have no idea what to get anybody.
And I'm sick. For the second time this month.
I'm sorry for whining. I'm just kind of really sick of stress. I thought it would leave after school..... but no. It lied. Dang it...
Well, I thought I made a post yesterday, the 14th, but I guess I was wrong. Hm...
My days have been a squashed together. I'll be pretty glad once Nutcracker is over and I can just rest from everything.
Alright, there's a yawn. I should probably go to sleep, considering it's... wow... really early.
I feel bad leaving you with a post that's all bad things.......
So..... good things? Good things good things. I've been having really random happy moments today. I also found purple eyeliner. Rawr means I love you in dinosaur. I'm really random right now! Yes! No! Nay! Horses eat hay! Oi vey... ha, that rhymed and I didn't even mean it to.
Love, Sarah
@)~
Sunday, December 13, 2009
TWO DAYS!!!! AAAAAAH!!!!!!
Hey look! Post 123! That's pretty exciting!
Anyways, two days until the theatre!!!! AAAAAAAH!!!!!!! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!
Also, I added a new widget/gadget/whatchamacallit. So now you can rate my posts! Huzzah! I have yet to know if it works... so test it, please! *smile*
Yesterday was one of the better days of my year. Merci beaucoup to the Sparrows! Rest in pieces, pointy stick... *laugh*
Mm... I don't really know what to post.
I've been sick for a couple days...
Sorry for all these random spaces. I'll leave now. Sayoonara!
Love, Sarah
@)~
Anyways, two days until the theatre!!!! AAAAAAAH!!!!!!! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!
Also, I added a new widget/gadget/whatchamacallit. So now you can rate my posts! Huzzah! I have yet to know if it works... so test it, please! *smile*
Yesterday was one of the better days of my year. Merci beaucoup to the Sparrows! Rest in pieces, pointy stick... *laugh*
Mm... I don't really know what to post.
I've been sick for a couple days...
Sorry for all these random spaces. I'll leave now. Sayoonara!
Love, Sarah
@)~
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Nutcracker yet again!!!
Hey guys!
I'm super excited! I'm in the Nutcracker again this year, and next week we move into the theater!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! Tuesday is our first tech rehearsal!!!! I'm soooooo excited, but really nervous, too. I never get stage fright, considering I've been on the stage since age 3, but I get nervous before rehearsals. Especially this year, because I'll be dancing a lot in the snow. Not real snow... Just a bunch of hole punched paper that falls from a bag in the ceiling. But it's really slippery, and last year one of the girls had a pretty big spill. Anyways, I'm excited for that. I do need to sew more pointe shoes.... hrm...
Anyways, today should be pretty fun. I got back from a pretty good ballet class a little while ago. Unfortunately, the AC in our studio is malfunctioning, so it gets incredibly stuffy in there. We had to open the window and the door so we could get some cool air... *sadface* I'll be leaving for rehearsal in about an hour, then I'm going to the Sparrow's house to watch a movie and hang out! Yay! Sadly, my sister can't join us for the movie, because she has to go to some concert. I'm so glad I don't take piano lessons anymore... *relieved sigh*
RFOTD! (Random fact of the day) Right now there is a tutu hanging from my bed, and probably shedding little paper bits all over the floor.
Hm... I feel like I'm forgetting something, but I can't figure out what...
Oh, I got a new hoodie! With wolves on it! That's exciting.
... What am I forgetting??? Ah well. I'll remember sooner or later. Probably later, while I'm dancing.
Love, Sarah
@)~
OH!!! I remembered!!! I found my phone! Well, my sister, Lydia, found my phone. Apparently I dropped it on the driveway... it was out all night... whilst it was snowing... T_T
The only damage it suffered, however, was a nasty looking crack on the front. Huzzah!
I'm super excited! I'm in the Nutcracker again this year, and next week we move into the theater!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! Tuesday is our first tech rehearsal!!!! I'm soooooo excited, but really nervous, too. I never get stage fright, considering I've been on the stage since age 3, but I get nervous before rehearsals. Especially this year, because I'll be dancing a lot in the snow. Not real snow... Just a bunch of hole punched paper that falls from a bag in the ceiling. But it's really slippery, and last year one of the girls had a pretty big spill. Anyways, I'm excited for that. I do need to sew more pointe shoes.... hrm...
Anyways, today should be pretty fun. I got back from a pretty good ballet class a little while ago. Unfortunately, the AC in our studio is malfunctioning, so it gets incredibly stuffy in there. We had to open the window and the door so we could get some cool air... *sadface* I'll be leaving for rehearsal in about an hour, then I'm going to the Sparrow's house to watch a movie and hang out! Yay! Sadly, my sister can't join us for the movie, because she has to go to some concert. I'm so glad I don't take piano lessons anymore... *relieved sigh*
RFOTD! (Random fact of the day) Right now there is a tutu hanging from my bed, and probably shedding little paper bits all over the floor.
Hm... I feel like I'm forgetting something, but I can't figure out what...
Oh, I got a new hoodie! With wolves on it! That's exciting.
... What am I forgetting??? Ah well. I'll remember sooner or later. Probably later, while I'm dancing.
Love, Sarah
@)~
OH!!! I remembered!!! I found my phone! Well, my sister, Lydia, found my phone. Apparently I dropped it on the driveway... it was out all night... whilst it was snowing... T_T
The only damage it suffered, however, was a nasty looking crack on the front. Huzzah!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
A New Gadget!!
Hey guys!
So, I'm uber-excited! I just got a music player on my blog!!! It's waaaaay at the bottom... check it out! You can also skip or pause the song as you, my dear reader, wish. Pretty nifty, huh. Thanks to Jessica for the idea... even if it wasn't a direct you-should-get-this-thingy idea.
Anyways... at current the songs are
1) Wrapped in Your Arms ~ Fireflight :: This is pretty much my favourite song ever.
2) You'll Always Be My Best Friend ~ Relient K :: This is my current second favourite.
3) There For You ~ Flyleaf
4) Fearless ~ Taylor Swift
5) Time of Dying ~ Three Days Grace
6) Keep Holding On ~ Avril Lavigne :: I usually don't like her songs, but this one is amazing.
7) The Reason ~ Hoobastank
8) Jesus Freak ~ DC Talk
Suggest songs you like, and mayhap they'll end up on here.
I have to go... there was one more thing I wanted to post though. I'll do that tonight, I guess.
Love, Sarah
@)~
So, I'm uber-excited! I just got a music player on my blog!!! It's waaaaay at the bottom... check it out! You can also skip or pause the song as you, my dear reader, wish. Pretty nifty, huh. Thanks to Jessica for the idea... even if it wasn't a direct you-should-get-this-thingy idea.
Anyways... at current the songs are
1) Wrapped in Your Arms ~ Fireflight :: This is pretty much my favourite song ever.
2) You'll Always Be My Best Friend ~ Relient K :: This is my current second favourite.
3) There For You ~ Flyleaf
4) Fearless ~ Taylor Swift
5) Time of Dying ~ Three Days Grace
6) Keep Holding On ~ Avril Lavigne :: I usually don't like her songs, but this one is amazing.
7) The Reason ~ Hoobastank
8) Jesus Freak ~ DC Talk
Suggest songs you like, and mayhap they'll end up on here.
I have to go... there was one more thing I wanted to post though. I'll do that tonight, I guess.
Love, Sarah
@)~
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sad day...
Today is the first Tuesday in a four month I have not had to get up at an insane hour. That's because Explorers (our homeschool group) is over... *poutpout*
I enjoyed sleeping in quite a bit, however I dislike the not-getting-to-see-people part. Tuesday is my seeing-people day! Lifeteen is canceled as well, because it's (let's see if I get this right) the Feast of Immaculate Conception. Meaning there's Mass instead of Prayer Meeting... And well... I won't go to the mass... So I don't get to see any of my Lifeteen friends either. *sadface*
Instead of going there tonight, I'm going to my ballet teacher's house to eat soup and build a gingerbread house! YES!!!
Alright, I need to go work on history now.
Love, Sarah
@)~
I enjoyed sleeping in quite a bit, however I dislike the not-getting-to-see-people part. Tuesday is my seeing-people day! Lifeteen is canceled as well, because it's (let's see if I get this right) the Feast of Immaculate Conception. Meaning there's Mass instead of Prayer Meeting... And well... I won't go to the mass... So I don't get to see any of my Lifeteen friends either. *sadface*
Instead of going there tonight, I'm going to my ballet teacher's house to eat soup and build a gingerbread house! YES!!!
Alright, I need to go work on history now.
Love, Sarah
@)~
Monday, December 7, 2009
I want to post...
...but I don't know what to post about. Hm... I guess I'll just tell y'all random facts about this week.
1) I lost my phone... dang it... I really need to find that... Maybe if I cleaned my room more often... heh heh...
2) Last night I went to mass at my friend's church. That was nice. I finally got the courage to go up during the Eucharist and ask for a blessing... *talks to self* Sarah, Fr. Ed really isn't that scary. Silly child.
3) I'm loving this 'no homework' thing right now. Unfortunately, I'll need to start catching up with algebra and history now... *poutpout*
4) I've been really tired lately. Which really isn't cool. At all. Urg... I'll be happy when Nutcracker is over.
5) Yesterday was St. Nicolas' day! So we got presents! Yay! I got this itty bitty speaker thing for my iPod. It's pretty sweet.
6) I changed my hair... I'll post a picture sometime... maybe... if I remember...
7) I found the greatest song EVER! You'll Always Be My Best Friend by Relient K. It made my friend's mom cry.... oops. o.O
Mm... I think that's enough random for one day.
Wait, not quite. This morning I (finally) got my computer to upload some CDs. Now I have both Taylor Swift and Fearless by Taylor Swift, Awake by Skillet, and uhm.... Kutless... whatsitcalled... Well, anyways. I have 4 new albums on my iPod now! YES!!!
... IT IS WELL! That one! It Is Well by Kutless. So I have like... 42 new songs.... well, they're not all new. 41 new songs. I had one before. I'm happy!!!
Lyrics to You'll Always Be My Best Friend :
[Matt Hoopes on vocals]
I wish I knew you
Way back when
Before you were part of my plans
I think that we would have been friends
There's only time to live our lives
And you'll be the one who's by my side
And I can promise you then
You'll always be my best friend
Till the end when we part
I will give you my heart
And I'll promise to love you with all that it is
And I'll promise to be there whenever you need me
Because you'll always be my best friend
You'll always be my best friend [x5]
Awesome song. Listen to it sometime.
Love, Sarah
@)~
1) I lost my phone... dang it... I really need to find that... Maybe if I cleaned my room more often... heh heh...
2) Last night I went to mass at my friend's church. That was nice. I finally got the courage to go up during the Eucharist and ask for a blessing... *talks to self* Sarah, Fr. Ed really isn't that scary. Silly child.
3) I'm loving this 'no homework' thing right now. Unfortunately, I'll need to start catching up with algebra and history now... *poutpout*
4) I've been really tired lately. Which really isn't cool. At all. Urg... I'll be happy when Nutcracker is over.
5) Yesterday was St. Nicolas' day! So we got presents! Yay! I got this itty bitty speaker thing for my iPod. It's pretty sweet.
6) I changed my hair... I'll post a picture sometime... maybe... if I remember...
7) I found the greatest song EVER! You'll Always Be My Best Friend by Relient K. It made my friend's mom cry.... oops. o.O
Mm... I think that's enough random for one day.
Wait, not quite. This morning I (finally) got my computer to upload some CDs. Now I have both Taylor Swift and Fearless by Taylor Swift, Awake by Skillet, and uhm.... Kutless... whatsitcalled... Well, anyways. I have 4 new albums on my iPod now! YES!!!
... IT IS WELL! That one! It Is Well by Kutless. So I have like... 42 new songs.... well, they're not all new. 41 new songs. I had one before. I'm happy!!!
Lyrics to You'll Always Be My Best Friend :
[Matt Hoopes on vocals]
I wish I knew you
Way back when
Before you were part of my plans
I think that we would have been friends
There's only time to live our lives
And you'll be the one who's by my side
And I can promise you then
You'll always be my best friend
Till the end when we part
I will give you my heart
And I'll promise to love you with all that it is
And I'll promise to be there whenever you need me
Because you'll always be my best friend
You'll always be my best friend [x5]
Awesome song. Listen to it sometime.
Love, Sarah
@)~
Saturday, December 5, 2009
I Love You
I can't remember if I posted on this a while back... it might have been a journal entry...
Well, anyways.
"I love you." That's such a beautiful phrase. It sounds nice, it feels nice, it even looks nice! If someone says, "I love you," to you, and really means it, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!
I can say "I love you" in a bunch of different languages, too!
Je t'aime, ich liebe dich, te amo, te iubesc, ti amo, daisuki, ya tebya lyublyu, rawr, and I love you. French, German, Spanish, Romanian, Italian, Japanese (I can write it, too), Russian , dinosaur (haha), and English. I can also sign it! That's ten different languages!! Sweet!
Well, anyways.
"I love you." That's such a beautiful phrase. It sounds nice, it feels nice, it even looks nice! If someone says, "I love you," to you, and really means it, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!
I can say "I love you" in a bunch of different languages, too!
Je t'aime, ich liebe dich, te amo, te iubesc, ti amo, daisuki, ya tebya lyublyu, rawr, and I love you. French, German, Spanish, Romanian, Italian, Japanese (I can write it, too), Russian , dinosaur (haha), and English. I can also sign it! That's ten different languages!! Sweet!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Madly in Love...
What does it mean? Like you're so crazy that you're in love? Or that you're so in love that your crazy? Or you're really angry because you're in love? Or you in love because you're really angry??? I'd like input on this.... It's mostly the second, I think... Ah well.
Anyways, you're probably wondering why I'm thinking about this. Truth be told, I don't really know. It's just been on my mind today.
Well, I've been feeling really bleh lately. I got home from Richmond after Thanksgiving and was still sick. I've been sick for about a week. It's kinda starting to bug me... Well, at least all the school I have is going to the library some time in the near future... meaning after Christmas... hehe.
Uhmmmmmm-uhmm-uhmm... that's it... I think...
Oh, I'm watching an anime series called D.Gray Man. It's really cool... I have like... 10 more episodes.
That's all!
Love, Sarah
@)~
Anyways, you're probably wondering why I'm thinking about this. Truth be told, I don't really know. It's just been on my mind today.
Well, I've been feeling really bleh lately. I got home from Richmond after Thanksgiving and was still sick. I've been sick for about a week. It's kinda starting to bug me... Well, at least all the school I have is going to the library some time in the near future... meaning after Christmas... hehe.
Uhmmmmmm-uhmm-uhmm... that's it... I think...
Oh, I'm watching an anime series called D.Gray Man. It's really cool... I have like... 10 more episodes.
That's all!
Love, Sarah
@)~
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
What was that?
Hey guys,
So, last night I went to a prayer meeting. I've been sick, I was tired, and I didn't eat dinner, so I was feeling really out of it. Well, I don't know what happened, but I was feeling really, really sad. I kept feeling like something was going to take my friends away. Like it was taking them away... I was just shaking and crying, and could hardly move by myself... I didn't want to let go of my friend who was sitting praying with me. It got so bad that I ended up having to be carried to my car. Not cool.
I don't know what it was, but I don't want it to come back. I know that it was pushing lies at me, because really? What's going to take you guys away? However, it was scary. I was in a really weak state, too, so it got to me way more than it normally would....
Soooo prayer would be super cool....
I'm better now. Well, somewhat. I can walk now... My nose is incredibly stuffy, probably from a combination of being sick and crying... I feel kinda light-headed, too... Ah well. I'll be fine. No worries!
Oh, another thing. Don't worry. About anything. I know everybody does, but it's really not healthy. I appreciate it when people worry about me, but I don't really like it... I mean, I know it means they care enough to fret, but worry just leads to stress... which is probably one of the main factors of the episode as described above. So! Don't worry! God will take care of it in the way and in the time he has planned.
On a happier note, Explorers is over for the semester, so I don't have much homework for a while! Yes! I need to think of Christmas and Nutcracker now... *determined* Alright! Come on Sarah! Only a couple more weeks!
Love,
@)~
So, last night I went to a prayer meeting. I've been sick, I was tired, and I didn't eat dinner, so I was feeling really out of it. Well, I don't know what happened, but I was feeling really, really sad. I kept feeling like something was going to take my friends away. Like it was taking them away... I was just shaking and crying, and could hardly move by myself... I didn't want to let go of my friend who was sitting praying with me. It got so bad that I ended up having to be carried to my car. Not cool.
I don't know what it was, but I don't want it to come back. I know that it was pushing lies at me, because really? What's going to take you guys away? However, it was scary. I was in a really weak state, too, so it got to me way more than it normally would....
Soooo prayer would be super cool....
I'm better now. Well, somewhat. I can walk now... My nose is incredibly stuffy, probably from a combination of being sick and crying... I feel kinda light-headed, too... Ah well. I'll be fine. No worries!
Oh, another thing. Don't worry. About anything. I know everybody does, but it's really not healthy. I appreciate it when people worry about me, but I don't really like it... I mean, I know it means they care enough to fret, but worry just leads to stress... which is probably one of the main factors of the episode as described above. So! Don't worry! God will take care of it in the way and in the time he has planned.
On a happier note, Explorers is over for the semester, so I don't have much homework for a while! Yes! I need to think of Christmas and Nutcracker now... *determined* Alright! Come on Sarah! Only a couple more weeks!
Love,
@)~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)