A Mumbled Jumbled Mess

Pretend it's all okay.
Pretend it won't hurt us.
Pretend we're perfectly fine.
We'll have fun at this masquerade.
We'll dance and laugh.
We'll talk and joke.
Nothing can hurt us behind our masks.
Nothing can touch us now.
Hide our true colors.
Hide what's behind.

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I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose you. If I lose you, I won't be myself anymore. I'll sometimes wear the mask. People won't be able to see the true me then. The real me. The me I want people to know. The me that loves. The me that hates. The me that feels emotion. My mask covers emotion. My mask covers love. My mask covers hate. My mask can't hide the real me from myself. The me that's in pain. The me that's suffering. My mask covers my whole self, and unless you really know where to look, you'll lose me. You'll lose the real me. I don't want to hide behind my mask.
Will someone unmask me? Shame comes with unmasking, but I don't care. I don't want to play this game anymore. I just want to be able to love. I just want to be able to feel joy. The mask hinders emotions. The mask saturates me in insensitivity. Shame will go away. Shame is a tiny, tiny demon. Demons are easily beaten down and destroyed.
Please... steal my mask away. Reveal my true self. I can't do it alone, because I've lost the border between the mask and my face. I can't see it. Find the border. Tear off the mask. Without it I will be able to love you.
But you have a mask. Will you let me take it off? Will you allow me to see the true you? The you that loves with unhindered love? The you that feels joy without boundaries? The real you? The you I want to love?

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"I’m not afraid, I’m not ashamed, I’m not to blame,
Welcome to the masquerade.
I’m not ashamed, I’m not afraid, I’m not okay,
Welcome to the masquerade"
~ Thousand Foot Krutch

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Hey guys,
Well, I'm not happy right now. One of my best friends has decided that he is going to be the hero and go off and prepare himself for I-don't-know-what alone. Well, alone with Jesus. I mean, I guess that's cool. But it kind of makes me sad. I mean, I worked really hard to keep him in our circle of friends. Hm... failed at that, I guess. I don't know what to do now. I mean, I really want to chase after him and tell him that we need him back.... but I also think maybe it's better just to let him go. I mean, he said he'd come back... eventually...
Well, let's compare. Maybe that'll help us think. And I mean me when I say us, I'm just making myself plural.

Reasons for him to stay:
~He's going to college next year. He should stay for this last semester.
~I'll miss him. Of course, this is a selfish reason... but whatever.
~I don't think leaving would be good for him... for many reasons.

Reasons for him to leave:
~It'd be a whole lot less stressful for all of us involved with him.
~We all need time to cool off and chill out.
~ ... I can't think of another reason.

I just want him back. He's my big brother. Well, not blood, but he's like my big brother. Losing friends is painful. I've already learned this first hand. I don't want to go through it again. I know I'm sounding awfully selfish... But I don't want him to go through that, either. If he does this, he's going to lose so many people.
And if you see this, Nii-chan... I miss you. I don't want you to go. I'm sorry...

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Sorry for the depressing post, y'all.
Alright, well, I'm in the midst of Nutcracker right now!! Aaaaah!!!!! Today was opening night. Well... REAL opening night. We had a school show yesterday, but that doesn't really count.
It went quite well. One spill... Sugar Plum Faerie slipped.... oops.
Makeup is STILL on my face after a shower, 3 kinds of makeup remover/face cleanser.... gaaaaah.....
Anyways, it's really late, and we have two shows tomorrow!! Plus Disco! Aaah! I'm so excited!! I'll see if I can get any pictures.... But I'd need to steal the camera from my sister. Hm....
Oh, and Merry Christmas! Six more days! ......... wait, WHAT?!? SIX MORE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS?!??? ............... AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *minor freak out* ... ahem. Wow, I can't believe it.... Nutcracker really has taken over my life! Gah! >_<

Love, Sarah
@)~