Masks

I was thinkin'... We all wear masks, yeah? I mean, come on. You can't deny it. We have a different mask for different people. Or, at least, I do.
Happy - This is the one that hides the pain.
Laughing - This is the one that hides the sadness.
Pretty - This is the one that hides the true beauty.
Sadness - This is the one that hides the brokenness and depression.
Complaint - This is the one that hides the need for love.
Clingy - This is the one that hides the need for attention.
I use them all to get attention. I use them all when I'm around friends. I use them when I'm around certain people. Sometimes I wear more than one at a time. I use them to hide myself. I'm afraid. Afraid of what could happen. Afraid of what has happened. Afraid of things I needn't be afraid of. Afraid of my friends. Afraid of opinions. Afraid of strangers. Afraid of God. Afraid of pain. Afraid of fear. Fear is weakness. Weakness is one of the worst things for me. Not physical weakness, although there's some of that, but emotional, spiritual, and psychological weakness. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like surrendering. I'm a stubborn person. If you see me wear a mask, ask me to take it off. If I say I'm not wearing one, make me tell the truth. If I say I am, believe me.
If I refuse, make me. If I'm happy, ask what hurts. If I'm laughing, ask what's wrong. If I wear something fancy, or have a lot of make-up, remind me I'm beautiful. If I'm sad, give me a hug. If I complain, tell me to shush and remind me that people care. If I'm clingy, push me off and remind me people will see me. Please. If I'm hurt, I'll forget it in a week. I don't hold grudges. At least, not many. ^-^

Hugs and Kisses, please.
~Sarah~

Sorry.

Lately I've been feeling apathetic and depressed. If I act like I don't care, it's not because I don't like you, or I just don't care. I'm just kinda... down right now. Sorry.

Why Don't You Hate Me?

I'm letting everybody down. Everybody I love. I'm failing miserably at almost everything I try. I do too much. I'm too stressed. I can't let it out to the people I need to. I can talk to people about it. I just cover it up, because I don't want anyone to know my troubles. I need to come out in the open. Stop wearing my happy mask. I'm broken. I'm torn. I just want to give up. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to go into a deep sleep. No dreams. No nightmares. Just darkness. I don't want darkness though. I've been down that road, and it tore me to shreds. I want to be in nothingness. I want to be nothingness. Why don't you hate me? Why don't you just leave me alone? Why don't you just forget about me and go on with your life? Will your life change if I leave? Will your life change if I die? Will anybody's life be any different without me??? Why do you care? Why should I keep going? All I live for is my own selfish reasons. All I keep going for is so I won't let anybody else down. So nobody will think I'm a failure. I am a failure. All I do is whine and cry. What worth do I have? Why do you love me?

Uhms.

I'm not gonna post a lot.

We played for graduation today. Very uneventful. I knew like, 5 people graduating. Very boring.
Recital was tomorrow. That was very eventful! There were a bajillion of us crammed in a tiny room. Lee and Jim kept trying and failing to tickle me. It don't, won't, and will never work. Then, during Bolero, the performance, Allie popped a ligament in her ankle. She wasn't able to do the rest of the show. That was sad. My variation went totally awesome. I made people cry. *smile*
I did the Dying Swan, by the way, so crying is good.

Uhm............ das ist alles.
Hugs and Kisses
~Sarah~

P.S. I can't type today.
P.P.S. Wait... wait... was tomorrow?!? WOW SARAH! Was yesterday!
P.P.P.S. I feel like Gandalf. And here's a quote. “The heart is constituted such that the only way to dispossess it of an old affection is by the expulsive power of a new one..." ~ Thomas Chalmers

Fünfundsechzig

Dun dun dun! That means 65 in German.
SO! (Said like zo)
Uhm... as you can tell, I'm really random today. I'll try to stay on track, but I highly doubt that will happen.
Today is Lydia's birthday party AKA Sarah is going to die day. I also have a 2 hour rehearsal. I need to sew the straps onto the swan tutu still..... >.<
What else.......
I dunno. Uhm. I'm waiting for a call............ CALL ME! Wait... you don't even read this. Uhm. That's it, I think.
Hugs and Kisses
~Sarah~

Okay, I lied

Fear? Pah. I'm not afraid of anything.
This is what I say. Yeah right. God reminded me that I'm only human yesterday. I have a bajillion fears. Natural and supernatural, as weird as that sounds. Yesterday, I was at the Lifeteen Prayer meeting. I went up on the altar and was just asking for peace. There was someone praying over me. All of a sudden, a shiver runs through my body. I don't think about it, but it happens again after about two minutes. They get more and more frequent. After about 10 minutes of sitting up there praying, shuddering, and my sister and Jalen coming to pray over me, I get slain in the Spirit. It was cool. I was just laying there, totally conscious, looking around, then I shudder again. And again. And again. They got really bad. I was really scared. I could control my body. I could look around. I could talk. But every time I did, I would shudder. I was so terrified. I start whimpering each time I convulse. After about 5 minutes of that I start screaming in terror. I don't know what I was afraid of. I was just afraid. I was covering my face, screaming, crying, I couldn't hold back. I started lashing back and forth. I held onto my friend's hand for dear life. Then Brad (one of the core leader guys/prayer dudes/head honcho) and his friend Erika brought me outside. We walked around and I felt a lot better.
After the prayer meeting I talked with Brad. He said it was either Jesus doing something in me, or a minor attack. From what I was experiencing, I'm pretty sure it was an attack. But he said since the warm room, all the people around me, girl roller coater emotions, etc. the experience was intensified, and I got freaked out.
If that ever happens again, what I really need is someone to hold me, and calm me down. Oh my goodness, it was so scary.

Mulan ~ that went really well. The Mushu's Chorus was really fun (right Liv?) except one of the performances, the staples on my fan got stuck to my shirt, then my pants... and dropped. >.<**
Uhm......... nothing really exciting happened.... 'cept I made new friends. Wewt. Brandon, Amie, Gretchen... and that's it. Well... friends who will actually remember me.

The Importance of Being Earnest ~ that went really well too. Friday we had an awesome audience, 'cept I blanked during the first scene. I was good through the rest though. Saturday our audience was okay. They laughed at random parts though...... I totally forgot the 'is Miss Cardew connected with the blahdeeblah...' line though... *tear*

That's about all I have right now..............
Oh, I had a weird dream last night... >.< It was... interesting, to say the least.

Hugs and Kisses,
~Sarah~

Here's for you, Spence

Jeez... I write your name on the board... I make posts just for you... I'm like a servant or something! *smile*
Anywho. Summary of the past three weeks... Extravaganza, Tech week for Mulan, Mulan, Tech week for Earnest, Earnest. Today. Tomorrow - German test I haven't studied for.
I will make more detailed accounts of these things tomorrow or some other time, but I have need of sleep. So!
Nighty night,
Hugs and Kisses
~Sarah~

Explorers, High School, Friends, OH MY!

So, I'm at St. Luke's right now waiting for my stuff to be printed, my DVDs to finish burning and stuff like that. Extravaganza starts at...6:15. My worship dance girls will be here in 15 minutes. Two by four (Michael) scared the bejeebers outta me. Waiting waiting waiting for DVDs to burn......... I'm going crazy.
Over the weekend I had a terrible cold so I hung out on the couch for about.... 12 hours. My brain left, and has yet to return. Stuffy nose is bugging the crap outta me. Or snot...... Sorry that was bad. You can slap me. Whoever you are.... :)
Hm... I'm actually wondering how many of you follow this/visit here regularly. Post if you read this! wewt.
Iain is sick too... with exactly the same thing as I have. And so are a lot of people around here.
Uhm... I have nothing more to say, except I'm freaking out a lot. I have a show every weekend in May... and I'm already stressed.

Hugs and Kisses
~Sarah~

Sick sick sick sick sick... again.

Uuuuuuuugh. My throat is the size of a pin right now. I think it's an allergic reaction from those Halls Vitamin C drops. Grump grump grump.
Also, my mom thinks I'm just being lazy. Urgh. I'm so frustrated right now. I can't do anything, I can't go anywhere... UURRRRRRRRRRG.

I've been stuck on the couch since......... 9:30 ish. That's 6 hours. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
I feel like an itchy vegetable! Like... a zucchini! Gwarg!

Okay, I'm done freaking out now. Tuesday is the last day of Explorers. *panic*
I need to polish the dances with my girls. I need to get costume stuff. I am kinda freaking out.

I need to do costume stuff too. Meaning I need emails. Meaning... I need to email my mom right now. Just a minute. Ah, what the heck. I'll finish that later.

Uhm.................... yeah. I'm done. Bye bye.

Hugs and Kisses
~Sarah~

It's May! Sugoi....

By the way, if you didn't know, sugoi is amazing in Japanese.

So, my dreamboat is in the hospital. She had a blood clot in her arm, but now she's all better!!! YAY!!!!! So, once I see her again (sing) we can waltz! ^-^ I love you, darlin'!

Life is pretty darn good right now. I have so many amazing friends who are full of the Spirit. It's great. Ever though almost everything that's happening right now is stupid, confusing, horrible, or just plain sucks, God blessed me with friends to get through it. I don't know what I would do without you guys. Thanks.

Hugs and Kisses
~Sarah <3