The Breaking Point

Don't hate yourself for being inadequate.

Don't hate yourself for being good enough.

Don't hate yourself for failing.

Don't hate yourself for succeeding.

Don't hate yourself for not being as good as that guy.

Don't hate yourself for being better than the rest.

Don't hate yourself for doing something you know is wrong.

Don't hate yourself for doing what you knew was right.

Don't hate yourself for being happy.

Don't hate yourself for being sad.

Don't hate yourself for crying.

Don't hate yourself for laughing.

Don't hate yourself for hurting others.

Don't hate yourself for hurting yourself.

Don't hate yourself for restricting.

Don't hate yourself for relenting.

Don't hate yourself for giving up.

Don't hate yourself for pushing on.

Don't hate yourself for falling.

Don't hate yourself for standing up.

Because you will be inadequate.

Because you will be good enough.

Because you will fail.

Because you will succeed.

Because you will not be as good as that guy.

Because you will be better than the rest.

Because you will do something you know is wrong.

Because you will do what you know is right.

Because you will be happy.

Because you will be sad.

Because you will cry.

Because you will laugh.

Because you will hurt others.

Because you will hurt yourself.

Because you will restrict.

Because you will relent.

Because you will give up.

Because you will push on.

Because you will fall.

Because you will stand up.

I am human and I mess up. I'm a perfectionist who hates doing things wrong. I need to be perfect. This means doing everything without trouble, being in control of who I am, knowing what I'm doing in life, looking good, eating well, being strong, being helpful, being a good friend, etc. I know I mess up. When I mess up I get depressed or annoyed with myself. But it's self-destructive. It hurts me.

I'm also good at a lot of things. And when I do things right, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to do it right. I've failed so many times before that I couldn't have possibly succeeded this time. But that's also self-destructive. Thinking like that, constantly tearing yourself down to make yourself better, hurts like crazy. 

There's a point you have to be broken to, and you reach that by your failures, by your imperfections, by letting people down. But realize that there is a point that you need to start being built back up again. There is a proverbial rock bottom where, at that point, you will break. You will shatter in to a thousand pieces. Don't constantly keep yourself hitting that point. Build yourself back up again. And get help. Because there is no way a building can build itself back up. And there is definitely no way something as complicated as a human with emotions and feelings can build back up alone.

"Ya did good, kid."

Psalm 43:5

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Ask First

You know what sucks? Being wrongly accused. And I don't just mean crimes you didn't commit, I mean the little things, too. The other day I followed someone's instructions to the T, but it turned out they told me the wrong thing, and I got blamed for it. It just makes you feel really undervalued and untrustworthy. I'm sorry that something bad happened to you, but please, direct the blame where it rightfully belongs.
I know what I'm supposed to do, and I know what I'm not supposed to do. For the most part, I do what I should and don't do what I shouldn't. I mean, I mess up sometimes, but what can I say - I'm human. Yeah, blaming me for the little screw ups that I didn't make is wrong, but I'll get over it pretty quick.
But don't stand there and tell me that I made a major mess. This is something that really irritates me. If you're going to accuse me, or anyone for that matter, about something, have solid evidence. Have a good argument. And for heaven's sake, come and ask me if I did it first! Don't start rumors, don't tell everyone I did some terrible thing I didn't do without telling me to my face. If I did it, I'm not going to lie.
That's what bothers me the most - when someone goes and spreads rumors without even trying all that hard to find the truth. Before I tell someone something concretely, I'm going to make sure it's true. I might say, "it could be" or "it might be" but I'm not going to say "it is" without knowing absolutely sure that it is.
Please, for the sake of the one who potentially wronged you, ask them first. Because one of the worst feelings in the world is having people talk behind your back, and even in front of your face, saying things that are completely untrue and being unable to do anything about it.

Go ask if it's true.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Decode ~ Paramore

How can I decide what's right? 
When you're clouding up my mind 
I can't win your losing fight all the time 
How can I ever own what's mine 
When you're always taking sides 
But you won't take away my pride 
No not this time 
Not this time 

How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well
How did we get here? 
Well I think I know 

The truth is hiding in your eyes 
And its hanging on your tongue 
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can't see 
What kind of man that you are 
If you're a man at all 
Well I will figure this one out 
On my own 
(I'm screaming "I love you so")
On my own 
(My thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well, yeah
How did we get here? 
Well I think I know 

Do you see what we've done? 
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves 
Do you see what we've done? 
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves 

Yeah...!

How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well, yeah yeah
How did we get here? 
Well I used to know you so well 

I think I know 
I think I know 

Ooh, there is something 
I see in you 
It might kill me 
I want it to be true

I'm stressed.

Do you ever feel like you have something you need to get off your chest, but you can't quite figure out what exactly is weighing you down so much? Today, I just want to write. I'm feeling inspired. I'm not feeling inspired about anything in particular, though. We'll see what comes out of this.

Lately I've been really stressed with school, ballet, life decisions, things like that. Unfortunately, all this is taking a toll on me. I've been irritable and somewhat depressed for the past week, and it's getting harder and harder to keep my frustration to myself and not lash out at other people. I don't want to be the person who just gets angry at the world because they're upset. It's not your friend's fault, why are you yelling at him? It's not your sister's fault, why are you hitting her? It's not your parents' fault, why are you disrespecting them? Keeping your emotions in check is one of the most important things you will ever learn.
When I was in late elementary and early middle school, I had the worst temper. I would scream and cry and kick everyday. Eventually I had to go on medication. This is something I would never wish on anyone. Having to take medication at age 12 is not something I look back on with fond memories. Those were some of the hardest times for me, which sounds really cliché, but I'm okay with it.
Nowadays if I had that temper, it would be absolutely unacceptable. I would have no friends. In fact, during that time, I had one friend. Keeping my temper in check, even when I'm fed up with calculus or the girl in my class who's talking my ear off, is something I need to do and will always need to do.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Here's a turn of events

I really haven't been able to write anything worthy of being read lately. Here's something that might be a little hard to follow.

First semester of college is mostly a success. Performed as Clara in the Nutcracker, kept my 4.0, made lots of friends, and started dating an amazing guy. All in all, a good semester. There were definitely terrible moments, amazing moments, drama moments, perfect moments, and just plain weird moments. It was so much fun, though, and there's not much I would trade for all the people I've met here.
Scratch that, there's nothing I would trade for them. I love these people so much.
I've also learned a lot this semester. First of all, keep your mouth shut. Learn when it's appropriate to talk, and if it's not, shut up. This is a good life rule. Second, opinions are important. Don't keep them to yourself. Third, just go for it. Seriously.

Right now I have an awfully stuffy nose, and it's really no fun travelling with it.

"I know who I want to take me home. Take me home."

Love,
Sarah @)~

Snow

I'm am definitely not the biggest fan of snow. It's cold and wet and when it's snowing, it's cloudy and windy.

~~~

Life's a blur. Like the snow. Life is cold and wet and a lot of the time leaves you feeling like there's no hope. But life is beautiful. Sounds cheesy, I know.
I look around and I find that it's really hard to focus just on one thing. Everything swirls around and I just need to go with it. Or go against it. I don't know about you, but I hate going against the wind in a flurry. The snow never stops moving until it sticks to the ground or a window or something. And until then, you can't really see what the individual snowflakes look like. But then look at a window when it's snowing and you can see the individual flakes pause on glass, suspended in space for a moment, and they're beautiful.

~~~

Something big is about to happen.

Love,
Sarah @)~

I'm all out of words

...
I'll write something when I regain a sense of balance in my life.

Writing Down the Bones

Writing Down the Bones is a book by Natalie Goldberg. I highly recommend it, especially if you want to start writing. It's all about letting go and just writing. No thinking, no processing, no analyzing, just writing. I'm not very good at that, since I'm pretty self-conscious, but I suppose practice makes perfect.

Self-consciousness: undue awareness of oneself.
Undue: unwarranted or inappropriate because excessive or disproportionate
There should always be some self-awareness. Without that, the path to offense and/or embarrassment is wide open. When does it become self-conscious, though? When does it become obsessive and inappropriate? Looking presentable and nice in order to make a good impression is important, but when does dressing appropriately and taking good hygienic care of oneself become vanity?
I consider myself a fairly self-conscious person. I think of what others will think of me and the people around me. Often I find myself wonder "If...then..." and have to remind myself not to over-analyze. It's hard sometimes. I try so hard to be accepted by people. Maybe I shouldn't care so much.

Question - why do dictionary definitions always contain words longer than the word being defined?

Love,
Sarah @)~

Courtesy is key

Sometimes people hold on to bad memories for days, sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months, sometimes even for years. But however long you hold on to your bad memory for, why would you make others suffer for it? Yes, someone may have hurt you, but is it so difficult to be courteous and professional when interacting necessarily with them? I understand that you won't walk up to them and ask how their life is going. I know you won't call them up and say, "Hey, just wanted to chat." But is it too difficult to look someone in the eye and at least fake a smile? Is it too much to ask for a simple, "Hello, how are you today?"
Eye contact is polite and should be obligatory. Saying, "D'ya need something?" without so much as a look is not very nice. I'm pretty sure that if you walked up to any average Joe on the street and asked them if they liked people looking at them when they were talking, they'd say that it's at least appreciated.

Faking a smile isn't too hard.

Love,
Sarah @)~

Where did my head go?

I have a tendency to lose my head over little things. Over-thinking is a fault of mine, a huge fault. It makes me go crazy. Sometimes just relaxing and having a day off works miracles. Or sometimes if I talk to someone who does have their head in the right place it'll pull my out of the clouds and put my back on my feet. 

So thanks for putting me back into place. I really appreciate it.

I guess I'll be thinking about this for a while, though. I'll try not to over think this time.

Love,

Sarah @)~